Reflections and Big Life Changes

4 years ago today. November 11th 2015. I remember so vividly my world completely shattering all around me. My life suddenly like grains of sand through my hands when I saw those text messages. And that was nothing compared to what would follow. The sudden and completely unexpected reality of my partner’s sex addition, that would destroy my life and eventually lead to the loss of my marriage, my home, my hopes, my dreams, and the future I had so fully invested in, left me a complete shell of the person I was. The dearest, most important things in my life, just gone. Looking back, sometimes I marvel that I even survived what happened at all. But in those moments, and years of despair, I refused to give up. Because somehow, from the very deepest places within me, I discovered a strength that I never knew that I had. And that was my faith. It was my faith that persevered when I couldn’t, and it gave me the strength and hope to carry on. And while it’s still incredibly hard sometimes, and days like today still feel tender, looking at myself in the mirror this morning and reflecting on the girl I was 4 years ago, I am in complete awe at the goodness and grace of God. And am grateful beyond measure for how far I’ve come. Even though my life doesn’t look the way I thought it would, and rebuilding has been beyond hard at times, I am still so very thankful for this second chance at a beautiful life for myself. Because the truth is, that for most of us, life doesn’t turn out the way we hope and pray for. And while there is so much joy in this life, there are also copious amounts of heartbreak. And while it sometimes overwhelms me to think about the hurt in this world, I still see and believe in that light in the darkness. And want to BE a light in the darkness. And that’s why I have chosen to share pieces of my story  with you all over the last couple of years. Because I remember a time when I didn’t think I could go on, when I couldn’t even say out loud what had happened in my life, let alone believe that I would be ok. But here I am today, with true joy and gratitude in my heart. And while it’s been a long, hard road, and I am forever changed and forever scarred, I can say that I have found happiness again. So I just want to remind you today that you too can do hard things. You can survive whatever life brings your way. Because YOU are so worth the fight. Whether you realize it or not, and as hopeless as it might seem at times, we each hold the key to our own happiness and it is up to us to be the ones to write beauty from ashes on the pages of our stories.

As my story has unfolded these last few years, and I’ve navigated the many stages of grief and healing, trying to figure out what I wanted my life to look like, something pretty major started shifting in my heart. And so today, it felt fitting to share some big news with you guys that I have been keeping close these last couple of months…I’M MOVING! And wow. It feels pretty surreal to put that out there in writing like that. There is so much of me that is excited for this change, but there is also part of me that is scared to death. And my heart is already aching in anticipation of the goodbyes I am going to have to say. Truly, I have had the best friends and community in Salt Lake that I have ever had in my entire life. And leaving them is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever do. But at the end of the day, I’ve slowly but surely realized that my heart has been calling me home to Montana. My happy place. It’s time for me to have that completely fresh start I’ve been longing for, and most importantly, to be with my family. So Whitefish, here I come! I can’t wait to share more with you all about my move, my new place (it’s on the river!), my redecorating process (it’s a way different space than my current one), and all of the things that will come with this monumental life change. But for now, I am looking forward to every second that I have left in Utah with my people, my framily, who have never wavered in their love, support, and encouragement of me. I’ve been thinking a lot today about the fact that despite losing everything four years ago, that I’m not only still standing, but standing here today with more richness in relationships then I have ever experienced in my life. How LUCKY I am to have such beautiful people around me that will make saying goodbye so hard. So wherever you are right now, whatever your story, don’t give up. I promise you there is goodness and light on the other side. Beauty from ashes.

And thank you, as always, to all of you for your constant encouragement of me over the years.  Your love and support means more than I could ever say and I can’t wait to share this next chapter with all of you.

xoxo

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